Driving home from work the other night it dawned on me that had I gotten married and had children when I was in m early twenties — I would be getting more Christmas presents.  The small child in my decided that this was NOT FAIR.  So I have officially decided (as opposed to unofficially deciding) that my non-existent family should be getting me Christmas presents this year.

I have discovered that my non-existent family is not good at keeping surprises.  For example my non-existent oldest daughter who is now in cosmetology school just bought me a nice new flat iron for Christmas.  She couldn’t wait for Christmas day and insisted I begin using it immediately.  She’s so cute that way.

I know it’s suppose to be a secret, but I believe my non-existent husband is going to get me a Wii and Wii-fit for Christmas.  Shhhhh.  Don’t let on that I suspect.

I’m not yet sure how many children I have but will keep you posted as the presents roll in.

Thank goodness the company I work for has a spam filter on the email.  The only problem is, I am one of the lucky ones who daily has to go through all the email caught in the spam filter for 5 email addresses to make sure a real email from a customer doesn’t get caught there.  Out of the hundreds that do get caught in the spam filter – about 1 or 2 a week are from legitimate customers.   But some of these email really make me wonder a few things  . . .

• Is my current watch too out of fashion?
• Should I give myself the best present ever?  Would that really be the best “cheap-Gucci-watch” I’ll ever find?
• Should I learn chinese and arabic just to see what the 45 emails I’m getting really say?
• Does the Barristers Chamber Marcus Andreen in England really truly want to be my business partner?
• Is my paypal account compromised?
• Do I need a skin care service?
• How do they know I need body parts enlarged?  What if I don’t have those parts?
• Can I really purchase peace of mind for 60% off?
• How does that site “feelingfattoday” know that my medication is ready for shipping?

I guess there are just some mysteries in the world I will never know the answer to.

I’ve learned through the years that it’s a good thing to “count your blessings”.  It’s true!   Sometimes it’s so cumbersome though so I have designed a new system.  I have not just counted my blessings — I have numbered them for future reference.   Today I am grateful for blessings #4, #12, #65, and #29.

Wow — Truly I’m blessed!

At the beginning of the summer I posted things that I thought were the best.  Check that out here if you like.  Well not to be a negasaurus or anything but clearly if there is the “best” there must also be the worst.  So here are the winners of my personal “Worst Things Ever” contest.

The Worst Accent In a Movie

Winner:  Drew Barrymore in Ever After

Is the accent French?  English?  Yes it’s a lov-er-ly story.  Yes it’s romantic but come on — she talks like she has a speech impediment.

The Worst Chore I Ever Had to Do

Winner:  Cleaning the grease trap in the kitchen at Oakcrest.

Don a towel around you nose, rubber gloves, and a bucket just in case.  Scooping out the molding greasy gray lumpy water . . .  totally disgusting.

The Worst Blind Date

Winner:  Jay – Former Companion of a Co-Worker 1987

We doubled with his parents to his Stake Gold and Green Ball.  I believe his mother held the brain for the entire family.  As we entered the restaurant she told me she didn’t have any teeth but was getting implants and so she only had 2 screws in her mouth.  She then smiled and showed me — Sure enough — all gums and 2 screws right where Dracula’s fangs would be.  No worries — she gummed down her food AND kept up the conversation.

The Worst Hair Style I Ever Had

Winner:  The Permed Mullet

My senior year of highschool.  It was 1984 and IT was in style at the time.

The Worst Episode of the Brady Bunch

Winner:  Her Sisters Shadow

This episode featured the famous quote “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia”.  Jan whined a lot.  So your older sister was perfect.  At least you weren’t that tattle-tale Cindy!

The Worst Place to Get a Zit

Winner:  Just Right Inside the Very Edge of Your Nose

Admit it — just thinking about this makes your eyes tear up.

Okay those are the winners for this year.  Stay tuned next year for all new categories like Worst Handshake, Worst Embarrassing Moment that Wasn’t Mine But I Witnessed, and Worst Actor Not Even Trying to Have an Accent in a Movie set in England.

It seems that I have a running face-bookish commentary running through my head.  I notice the things I am doing and then translate them into short sentences that may or may not be interesting.  I also noticed I am starting to think of myself in third person.  I made this discovery today on my way home from work.  If my computer were reading my thoughts this is what my facebook status would be saying:

DeAnn, tired from a day at work decides that she should go shopping.

DeAnn calls her mom to see if she needs anything.

DeAnn’s mom needs milk.

DeAnn notices the school supply display at the store entrance and her heart beats faster as she sees bins full of pens, scissors, rulers, glue, colored pencils, and post-it pads.

DeAnn remembers that the Relief Society is collecting school supplies for the Humanitarian Center school bags and feels justified in buying 5 scissors and 5 packs of colored pencils.

DeAnn wonders if store has mu mu’s.

DeAnn see’s ridiculously cute pink pajamas and decides she must have them even though she doesn’t need them.

DeAnn wonders if flavored sparkling water is better for her than soda and puts some in her cart.

DeAnn puts more fresh blueberries in her cart and realizes how fond she has become of fresh blueberries.

DeAnn puts bag of dark chocolate covered pomegranate pieces in her cart because it’s full of antioxidents and she is concerned about her health and getting enough antioxidents.

DeAnn acknowledges that the last sentence is an example of total denial because those pomegrate pieces dipped in dark chocolate really just looked deliciously good.

DeAnn sees baby clothes on clearance sale.  She knows 3 people with babies and decides that she has no choice but to buy baby clothes.

DeAnn is having serious shopping compulsions today.

DeAnn is taking her purchases to her car and is approached by man selling tamales.  She politely declines and wonders who would actually buy tamales from a guy in the parking lot.

DeAnn notices that she has had a running facebook commentary in her head and wonders if she should call her therapist.

DeAnn is now home and puts on ridiculously cute pink pajamas with teeny black polka dots, pours herself some sparkling lemon water (over ice with a slice of lime) and realizes that the commentary in her head is just way to much for facebook.

DeAnn smiles to no one in particular because she realizes – she has a blog.

If I took any of these quotes from your face book — please forgive me.  I won’t put names on them.  They are just some things that friends have posted within the last 24 hours that have caused me to think.

” . . . is sick of having to watch her weight!! How come we all can’t just be skinny and cute without having to sweat our butts off at the gym and living on water and lettuce alone???”

” . . . Is on a fruit and veggie fast.”

” . . . i feel skinny oh so skinny i feel skinny and…..skinny and….uh….SKINNY!! haha. visualization my dear.”

I was also with one of my favorite people yesterday – she is beautiful and in her 20’s.  She is extremely slender — like she weighs maybe 105.  She mentioned that she had gotten fat an was trying to lose weight.

I think of all the times I have thought these same things.  Even when I was thin I felt as fat as I am right now.  Losing weight, thinking about losing weight, and feeling guilty for not losing weight has been my lifelong hobby.  How did all us incredible women get this way?  This place where we have based so much of our worth and success as a human being on what the blasted scale says.  I’m not talking about being healthy and listening to and loving our bodies.  I’m talking about how we as good righteous women still are so full of angst and dissatisfaction with our bodies.  I’m one of them.  I battle that mindset but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to being one of them.

This morning on Face book an acquaintance who somehow ended up being listed as a “friend” posted this on his account:

“. . . is so glad that all the attractive girls FLOCK to the city of XXXX. Thank goodness there aren’t a bunch of single heffers desperate to find a husband roaming around town. Man! That would be awful if that were the case. Phew!!”

I read this before starting work this morning.  I’m still angry.  Not because he’s a guy who is attracted to thin women – that’s totally his right.  It’s that his attitude (that he obviously has no reservations sharing) is exactly part of the problem of why so many women are in this lifelong battle with their body, weight, and self worth.  It’s the judgment that a women who is overweight has less worth than their slender sisters.  And who is it that defines what a “heffer” (uhhh spelled “heifer” – spell your insults correctly please) is?  In the minds of some of some of my amazing friends who are zipping their size 4 jeans – it’s them.   It’s also in the minds of those who are putting on size 12 and even size 20.   Many sizes – same issues.

I call for a rebellion against this attitude wherever it is.  I call for loving who we are – right now.  I call for nourishing and nurturing ourselves and letting our bodies go to it’s normal and healthy weight.   That doesn’t mean binging and drowning ourselves in unhealthy foods.  It also doesn’t mean restricting ourselves from everything until we are totally obsessed and in a no-win battle against ourselves.  It doesn’t mean giving up exercise.  It does mean respecting who we are and standing up against the unhealthy messages that bombard us.  It means letting go of even giving ourselves those same unhealthy messages.  Our bodies and spirits make our soul.  It’s time we started nourishing and respecting both.

This is my first movie.  This is NOT Steven Spielberg quality.   This is what my family does for fun on the 4th of July.

Do you ever go to restaurants and see awards and articles framed saying things like “voted best egg breakfast”? There are even billboards in Utah showing the “best in Utah” awards.  I always wondered who it was that was voting it the “best” and you never know who the competition is to know if it truly was the best.  So I held my own contest where I vote what is the best.  Like those before me I won’t tell you who the competition is.  These are 7 things that I personally have voted BEST!

A special thanks to all who attended the awards ceremony which was held at my residence tonight.  Ice water and Pumpkin Chocolate Chip muffins were served.  I also appreciate those who overlooked all the camp stuff collecting in the computer room where the ceremony was held.

Sometimes I feel like God gave me this wonderful life filled with wonderful opportunities.  Then “life happened” (at a very young age) and it seems that I somehow messed up those wonderful gifts he gave me.  Like He gave me a toy and as I played with – it got broken.  Worse is that I didn’t break it all myself.  Others took my toy and did damage too – but it was still mine and somehow I allowed it.  Ashamed that I allowed something so precious to be broken I then go about trying to fix it so that when God asks for it back He won’t be mad.  So I try all kinds of super-glues but it’s never put back together perfectly.  But I keep trying in vain.  What I forget is that He knew that life was a messy business and the toys are going to get broken and that if we bring it to Him, with a gentle smile He will fix it.  What is it that keeps me from just allowing the Savior to fix it to start with? Why do I keep taking it back saying like the willful child “I can do it myself”?

It’s not a new story – in fact it dawned on me that even in the Garden of Eden after Eve and then Adam took the fruit the first thing they did when God came was to hide.  I figured out that it was Satan who introduced shame into the world.  The kind of shame that makes you want to hide instead of sorrow that makes you want to go to your Father for healing.  We are funny human creatures – because instead of telling Adam and Eve to hide the scriptures tell us that God made coats of skins to cover them.  He didn’t say “I’m coming you better grab some leaves and hide from me because boy you are in trou-ble!”  That wasn’t God’s message at all – more like the message of someone who would rather have us stay broken (“hmmmm who could that be?  Could it be Satan?”) – The Lord explained the consequences of the human condition and then covered them in something that would be comforting and warm.

I think the scriptures tell us to “submit” to the will of God not just because it will teach us a good lesson about being humble, but also because the Savior has so much love, compassion, and healing for us if we will let Him in.

Broken clouds give rain; …

This broken soul that cries for mending
This broken heart for offering
I’m convinced that God loves broken ME
Praise His name—my God loves broken things!

(Kenneth Cope)

I am here to tell you that craftiness at Relief Society is alive and well.   This evening I went to the Mother & Daughter enrichment meeting.  With a few picnic items I was able to make some home decor that I doubt even Pier 1 could duplicate.

You will need a cheap-ola paper plate.  Do not use Chinette! You will also need some plastic forks – the heavy duty ones.

Add some ribbon and flowers and work the magic of the glue gun and you will end up with a fan that you can display in any home or office.

I also have even more respect for my friend Becky who has 5 daughter (1 1/2 years  to 11 years) and yes she brought all five with her and proceeded to make some cute little dolls with them.  And what do you do when they all need their dolls glued?  Send ‘em over to her friend with the glue gun.

Now these are just darling for little girls to make at Mother/Daughter night.

How cute are they?