Ponderings in Pittsburg

on May 6, 2007

It’s 9:00 p.m. and I sit in the quiet of my hotel room. The fan hums softly and the only thing I can hear is the clicking of my keyboard. I sit in a comfortable chair with my feet on the ottoman and glance out at the dark night and enjoy the Pittsburg city skyline. I am feeling a multitude of emotions tonight – but am still comfortable and peaceful. I feel a guilty pleasure at having this quiet time in my room to write and to think. The Timeout Event went well but I am still relieved that I don’t need to go to another one until the fall.

Today there was a group of women from Ohio, all young mothers, that came and helped us run the bookstore. They were fun to listen to as they talked about their husbands, getting their husbands through school, their pregnancies, and their kids. They share a bond forged of common experiences – including the joys and struggles.

One of the girls is the daughter of my boss and so the group came to dinner with the rest of the Time Out group this evening. As we all ate dinner together tonight it was interesting to see my boss interact with his daughter and son (who was also there helping) and feel a sense of underlying pride and love that he has for his family and children.

It was comforting and peaceful to know that amid all the struggles of family life, the unmistakable joys are the underlying feeling for this family. I also couldn’t help but also feel a deep sense of personal loss and sadness for the type of life I dreamed of as a young woman that I know I will never have. The season of life for young motherhood passed me by and as I get older I see the season of growing children also pass by without so much as a nod in my direction. I feel no jealousy or bitterness toward any of these amazing parents – the young ones and the “not so young” ones. Their happiness does not diminish my own. But I do admit a sense of mourning for what will never be. I weep for an aching heart and body that still longs to be held in the night by a man I love and trust. Even tonight tears drip down my cheeks for a womb that is empty knowing that most likely I will never feel the kicking of life within me.

Still I do not doubt the Lords plan for me and only hope that in these years that I once thought would be filled with the joys and pains of marriage and family – that I spent them doing the things He wanted me to do and served the people He wanted me to serve. I will continue to trust that as the Lord said in Psalms 84:11 . . . no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly.

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