Make Me Into The Miracle

on June 9, 2007

This entire week I’ve struggled. I’ve struggled to think positively and to eat healthy. Starting every morning with a new vow, only to be foraging for food late in the afternoon. Then I think “What the hell . . .” and continue eating. I could analyze why I’m doing this, and maybe a little of that doesn’t hurt. But the truth is, it won’t change it. I am fully aware it’s a symptom of the stress and insecurities I’m feeling. I know I should be thinking “positively” and do better. But the truth is, I’ve been losing faith and hope. Not in God, but in myself. I’ve wondered this week not if I could actually change — but even if I believed I would or even could change at all.

I believe in the grace of God. I know His enabling power can make all things possible. But will He, for me and my endless struggle with my body image and eating problems, enable me to change? Is it too much to ask when there are wars and plagues, blind people, abused children, and famine in the world? How petty am I even to ask. But I must ask – because I have no where else to turn and no where else I can obtain the power to become master over myself.

Following the scriptures I decided I must start again with just asking for a “desire to believe” in myself and a goal that seems unattainable. I prayed that desire would “work in my heart” and find a place.

Although an inconvenient time, I got up this Saturday morning and went to Weight Watchers. I didn’t weigh but went to the meeting to regroup. There was nothing earth shattering said, but a few nuggets I pulled out and caused me to rethink what I need to do. Then I stopped by office to bring something in and decided to take advantage of my new quiet office to put down my thoughts. Upon opening my internet browser and my Google homepage I took a minute to read the “quote of the day”. This is it:

Everything in the gospel teaches us that we can change if we need to, that we can be helped if we truly want it, that we can be made whole, whatever the problems of the past. (Elder Jeffrey R. Holland)

So, the Lord really does listen! I believe I couldn’t ask for a more direct answer from the Lord on whether I had the ability to change and whether the Lord would help me.

It’s time for me to reassess the things I’ve learned and where I felt the Lord has taken me in the last few months.

  • I felt that Weight Watchers was a good program for me to follow. It’s sensible, healthy, and doable. I will continue on that path.
  • I felt impressed to go to therapy to address some of these issues and felt guided by the Lord to Dr. Johnson. He has taught me some techniques to assist me in changing the way I think about myself and my life’s journey.
  • I have an affordable gym to go to and I enjoy it.
  • I have loving and supportive friends and family.
  • I have continued to have answers to prayers and felt the love of the Savior and pondered His atonement and how to use it in my life to let Him make me into the miracle.

So today — right now — what do I need to do to get back on track to taking care of myself and nurturing my soul?

  • Remember that it is Satan who would have me loathe my body. He would have me harm my body. He would have me be so preoccupied with self hatred that I am ineffective in building the kingdom of God.
  • Remember that I came into this life with challenges. I can look them square in the eye and then deal with them instead of feeling sorry for myself and jealous that others seem to have it easier. Some of these are:
    • OCD. It causes anxiety plus when I am anxious or stressed it kicks in at a high level. I need to remember that anxiety in my body wants to be addressed and I’ve trained my brain (as ineffective as it is) to turn to sugar and carbs for immediate relief.
    • The medicine for OCD has now been proven that with long-term use it causes weight gain and intense cravings for carbohydrates. So stop blaming it all on a weak moral character.
    • Because of these things sugar and high simple carbs can and do have an addictive effect on me. It doesn’t matter that it doesn’t do this to everyone. It does this to me so I with this personal knowledge I can make an effective game plan.

The game plan:

  • This week Journal accurately every bite I put into my mouth. Yes I am planning on staying on plan but if I slip up I will journal without attaching a moral judgment to it.
  • This week daily I will use the meditations I have learned to retrain my mind to be gentle with my soul. If condemning and judgmental thoughts come into my mind during the day I will diffuse them and not give them power.
  • I will avoid refined sugars as they become addictive to me and during vulnerable times I give my personal power up because of the physical reactions it has on my body.
  • I will continue to pray for the Lords help – to make me into a miracle – so I can be in a better frame of mind to serve Him.


3 responses to “Make Me Into The Miracle

  1. Erin says:

    You know DeAnn this week has been a hard one for me and I have found myself eating a TON–totally slipping on my “new me” eating plan. I hate that over eating equals comfort for me. I would have the same resolve every morning to start fresh and get back on my plan but by lunch that was all out the window. I just don’t understand why it has to be so hard. Thanks for your encouragement and for writing your struggle, it helps me.

  2. Laurel says:

    We’re all in this together, aren’t we? I started a new “commitment plan” on Monday and by Friday was struggling…and did so all weekend. I don’t know what the answers are but I DO know that we just have to succeed one more time than we fail.

    Acknowledging all the triggers is half the battle.

    Knowing others struggle makes a difference to me. THanks for being so personal!!

  3. Tiffany says:

    You are a wonderful person and I’m so glad I know you. Take care and know that your friends adore you, support you, and believe in you fully. 🙂

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