Elaine, I Envy You

on November 10, 2007

Yesterday I met some friends for dinner.  Because we planned on meeting at 5:00 I decided I better leave work a bit early to allow for some “rush hour” traffic.  Much to my surprise I had virtually no traffic and got to my destination in record time.  In fact I had about 25 minutes to kill so decided to stop in at Linen N’ Things to look around.  As I strolled around the store I had this overwhelming feeling come over me that my stroll would be much more comfortable if I took a moment to —  well —  pee.  And just my luck, right there by the clearance area in the back of the store was a sign that read “Restroom”.

I selected the first stall and quickly dropped my drawers and relief literally flooded over me.  With a sigh I reached my hand to the super-sized silver toilet paper dispenser.  As I reached in I realized that I was not feeling any toilet paper, so I reached in a little higher only to feel an empty cardboard roll.  A Feeling of panic now dripped from my heart and I had a flashback to a previous experience – okay so it wasn’t MY experience per se – but I did see it on an episode of Seinfeld.

Setting: Public Restroom

ELAINE: what a dope!  uh..excuse me  umm.. I’m sorry  this is.. this is kind of embarrassing but.. there’s no toilet paper over here

JANE:(from the stall on Elaine’s right) are you talking to me?

ELAINE: yeah.. I  I just forgot to check so if you could just spare me some

JANE: no I’m sorry

ELAINE: what?

JANE: no I’m sorry, I can’t spare it

ELAINE: you can’t spare it??

JANE: no there’s not enough to spare

ELAINE: well I don’t need much, just 3 squares will do it

JANE: I’m sorry I don’t have a square to spare, now if you don’t mind

ELAINE: 3 squares? you can’t spare 3 squares??

JANE: no I don’t have a square to spare, I can’t spare a square

ELAINE: oh is it two-ply? cause it it’s two-ply I’ll take one ply, one ply, one, one puny little ply, I’ll take one measly ply

JANE: look, I don’t have a square and I don’t have a ply (flushing and leaving)

Elaine: no no, no no, don’t don’t, I beg you

I sat for a moment and contemplated my options. I didn’t even have someone in the next stall to argue with and beg for a square.  I had brought in only my wallet so I couldn’t even rummage through my purse for a crumpled Kleenex. I did remember seeing a separate bathroom for employees.  I don’t know what Elaine did that day — but I was personally grateful for toilet seat covers that thankfully the employees had kept filled.

As I left I thought about the employee bathroom and I felt confident that they always had toilet paper in their bathroom and whichever of their associates cleaned this restroom didn’t bother to check the supply for us poor unassuming customers.  I did stop two clerks that were chatting in the middle of the store and informed them of the toilet paper situation and I left the store without buying a thing.

I sat in my car for just a moment and I wished I had the guts to do to the employee restroom what Elaine did at the end of that episode when she had discovered that the selfish toilet paper miser was Jerry’s current girlfriend.  She notices when Jane is about to go to the restroom in the restaurant and she runs in there and removes all the toilet paper from the stalls and leaves her in there dripping without a “square to spare.”

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One response to “Elaine, I Envy You

  1. Tiffany says:

    What a fabulously funny predicament!

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