True to Myself

on September 6, 2008

Do you ever have those days when you just know you haven’t been true to yourself?  When you do things that aren’t necessarily wrong, but you know it’s not ultimately in your best interest, and you still do them? Then you wonder why yesterday you felt like you were strong and really on your game and today . . . well today you simply don’t care?

Today was one of those days.  I started with good intentions for this day.  Yesterday was a great day.  I weighed in at Weight Watchers and was down over 3 pounds.  I was feeling insightful and looking back at the good things I had accomplished over the last few months.  I was being positive with myself and optimistic about others.  I felt full of hope — the wonderful feeling that no matter what life throws at me, it was all going to be okay.

So today I start my morning with 2 pieces of cake from each of the cakes that showed up on the “magic food table” at work.  I know cake isn’t the end of the world.  But something went wrong and next I was at Crown Burger with french fries and then a stop at Cold Stone (yes I did get the small – but still!)  It’s not about what I ate – it’s that I was rationalizing and I didn’t care.  It’s that somehow I felt this sense of entitlement for whatever reason – perhaps that life just isn’t fair.  It’s that I allow myself to start thinking critically about myself and others.

Later today I got an email from a friend who indicated that she too was having a hard time.  She said that she just didn’t have the desire to do the things she knew that were good for her like read her scriptures and pray.  She also said that she felt so selfish and she just didn’t care.   Maybe it’s a good thing we weren’t spending the day together or we could have done some real caloric damage!

What I found interesting as I thought about it this afternoon was that this friend simply wasn’t seeing herself the way I was seeing her.  Because even right now I don’t see her as selfish or undisciplined, or less spiritual.  I see her as this incredible and gifted woman who is still kind and compassionate who just can’t see her true self through the fog that sometimes clouds our vision.  My heart ached a little bit because her goodness is so incredibly obvious!

I realize that today I was in the same fog as my friend.  And because of that, I wasn’t being true to the person I’m just starting to discover – the real me.  The me that was me before I even came to this Earth.  If I were to start the day over – honestly – I would probably still have cake.  But instead of fighting with myself and berating myself for it, I would eat is slowly and savor every nuance and flavor.  I would be grateful for it and I would stop when I was satisfied and let the memory linger on my tastebuds.  I’d still take a long lunch and I’d roll down my windows as I drove around town running errands and think about the sunshine than in a couple months will be hid behind grey skies.  I wouldn’t waste time being self critical.  I’d look for someone who’s life I could bless instead of thinking of the things I don’t have.  I’d be just a little more true to myself.


3 responses to “True to Myself

  1. Tasha says:

    Well you just blessed my life, cause I was having one of those days too. Now I feel better. Ok almost better I am thinking your cake sounds better than my plain popcorn 🙂

  2. Erin says:

    I have always wondered why I can feel like that. How one day I am so committed to something and the next, couldn’t care less. Maybe recognizing what is going on is the first step to snapping out of it.

  3. Heather says:

    You really do have some wonderful insights.
    Now about that cake and ice cream, I can give you an excellent reason for having them. It was my birthday! You were just helping me celebrate. 😉

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