Feasting on the Word

on January 31, 2009

What is the psychology behind stepping on the scale in the morning,  seeing I had gained another pound and then doing exactly what I know will absolutely not help me? But I let that old feeling – that all my efforts are in vain and what the hell, I may as well eat all the stuff I’ve been limiting.   So I eat — anything I can get my hands on as long as it has sugar and fat in it.  I am talking about chocolate covered cinnamon bears, a box (YES I SAID A BOX)  of “low fat” cupcakes, chips, dip, more dip, more chips, little smokies, little meatballs, 7 layer dip, lemon bars, peanut butter bars, and even a doughnut.  I even think about “savoring” and I actually do savor a few bites but then give in to the old habit of eating until I am numb. I am disappointed in myself – again. I don’t want to think or “figure it out” I don’t want to feel!  I know in a couple hours I’ll pay the price. My stomach will hurt and I will actually feel the fat cells expanding to a new level. But for that moment I don’t care – I have one objective – get the sugar high and numb out to all thoughts and feelings.

Two hours later – the guilt has hit and my morning binge sits precariously at the end of my esophagus daring me to make one false move. Tears of shame well up in my eyes but I’m at work and will them away. It works for awhile. I sit at my desk and think.   The only thing that comes to my mind is the phrase “feast on the word”.  If my spirit is capable of rolling it’s eyes, that’s what it did.  The thought comes again “feast on the word” — like I have any room to feast on anything — not even my spirit had room because it was full of shame.  “Feast on the word”.   I can take a little break so I pull out my scriptures that I keep in my bottom desk drawer.  Silently I say a prayer “please help me find the answer to this feeling and awful behavior.  Even though I know I don’t deserve it.”  I decide to just flip open a page (I do that every so often) and see if there is something there for me.  The book falls open to 2nd Nephi 32.  I know I can’t go wrong with the Book of Mormon so I start to read and am stopped in my tracks when I read verse 3.  “Wherefore I said unto you, feast upon the words of Christ; for behold the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do.” Could the Lord have been any more clear with me on what I should do?  Even though logically it didn’t make a lot of sense to my problem at hand.

A few weeks ago I was discussing my weight and eating challenges with a friend and told her that I had a feeling that I needed to spend more time in the scriptures – even though I didn’t really understand how it all correlated to overcoming this particular weakness.  I still don’t understand it completely.  But I do know that along with the things I’m trying to do to improve my physical body and heal the emotions behind them  — I need to follow the spirit and put more emotional and spiritual energy in “feasting” on His word.   Last night I spent a little more time doing just that and began to feel the wounds from my morning binge starting to close up and heal.

This morning I had a little talk with myself about forgiveness and not wallowing in yesterdays mistakes.  I got up early and went to water aerobics.   It felt fantastic– a little more healing.  Later as I was running errands I turned on my Book of Mormon CD in the car.  I listened to the last chapter of Jacob and then Enos started.  I love that story and I like to think of Enos praying in the wilderness.  But then the phrase jumped out at me that is in verse 4 — “And my soul hungered.”

I realize that my soul does hunger — for many things.  I hunger for assurance that I’m on the right path.  I hunger to fall in love and fill the hole in my little heart.  I hunger for strength to overcome my weakness.  I hunger for relief for my many friends who carry their own unseen burdens.  I hunger to feel the Savior more in my life.  I hunger for my unseen wounds to be healed.  My soul really does hunger!  No matter how hard I try to fill that hunger with food — it will never be satisfied (and believe me I’ve tried.)  Because that hunger can only be filled from feasting on the words of Christ.

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5 responses to “Feasting on the Word

  1. Heide says:

    Have I told you recently that you are my hero. Reading your words fills my soul. Thank you so much for sharing your heart and your knowledge with us. I love you!!

  2. Heather says:

    Thanks for sharing that, it’s given me something to think about. 🙂
    Love ya!

  3. Tasha says:

    I love you too!
    Will you help me with my hunger too?

  4. Vanessa says:

    I really needed to hear that. You are a very insightful woman. I love how honest you are in what you’re going through. You say what I dare not even admit to myself. Thanks for being my friend! I wish for your every success. And I know that He does too.

  5. DeeAnn says:

    DeAnn,
    You are an incredible woman!
    I check your blog every day to get my DeAnn fix and you NEVER disappoint. I only wish you could blog 8 or 10 times a day! ALL your words make me think and they make me feel.
    Thank you so much!

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