The Suit

on October 8, 2009

Sometimes in quiet moments I try to get a real good mental image of myself just as I am. This usually happens after I see a photo of myself and I can’t believe that THAT image is what everyone else is seeing.

Recently I tried to use that image in my head to do a serious self assessment. First I had to let go of the criticism because being truly honest with myself does not equal being mean to myself. I concentrate with eyes closed and try to get a vision of myself as a third party looking on. This will be a good exercise I think to myself as I try to make my visualization more clear in my mind.  Hmmm – “I like her” I think,  “she’s funny, laughs easily, and dresses reasonably well”.  Of course I notice she is overweight, but I remind myself not to judge. I keep watching and as I concentrate I realize that it’s almost like the layers of fat are a suit.  It’s just something she’s put on. My heart aches just a bit because I know why she’s wearing that suit. She put it on to protect the real “her” –  the woman that feels vulnerable and has been hurt by the tumbles and falls that sometimes life deals out. She put on the “padding” to hopefully make it hurt less when she gets tripped up by memories of the past and fears of the future. She knows it’s not real protection – it’s like a life preserver that doesn’t really float – it is only bulky, gets in the way, and makes it hard to row the boat.  I think “What if it were a suit that could be unzipped?”  I wonder what would step out?

In my mind I unzip the suit. I expect a thinner version of the woman to step out like I’ve seen in some weight-loss billboard.  As she steps out of the suit, she smiles at the freedom and fresh air that she missed being so stifled.   She is thinner, but mostly she looks healthy and strong.   She starts to walk away from her suit laying on a heap on the floor. She looks around excitedly and slowly she looks back to the suit – her blanket of comfort for years.   She is shocked as she sees still standing in the suit a small blonde girl in a blue dress quietly crying, afraid and confused.

The healthy me walks back, takes the girl by the hand and promises that she’ll never leave her behind. They will move forward together. They won’t look back.

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5 responses to “The Suit

  1. Erin says:

    Sitting at my desk crying right now. A beautiful post. All I can say is I love you.

  2. Red says:

    WOW. That’s amazing, thanks De. I’ve been looking for my zipper lately, too.

  3. Becky says:

    you amaze me. Thank you for who you are. I love you!

  4. Laurel says:

    perfect.
    simply perfect.

  5. Tasha says:

    i am so glad the little blonde girl found a terrified little brunette girl.
    love you!

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