Letting Go

on October 24, 2009

Today I said goodbye to a co-worker that I have worked with for several years.  She is off to start a new adventure as a full-time mom.  Her first baby is due in a couple of weeks.  As we walked out of the office today at 5:00 I confessed that I was slightly envious. I told her that on the days when she is exhausted, depressed, and up to her elbows in poopy diapers that she is living my dream.

It’s true!  I never planned to have a career outside of being a wife and a mom.  After all the plans written out in my journal when I was 16 about “when I grow up and have kids”, I never imagined that it wouldn’t happen.  At 18 I still had that dream.  I still had that dream at 21, being certain that as soon as I came home from my mission I would find the love of my life and start having babies.  At 25 I reminded myself that not everyone marries young.  At 30 I told myself that outside of Utah it was normal to get married and start a family in your 30’s and that there was no reason to give up hope.  At 39 I believed that if I stopped dreaming it would mean I lacked faith.  Now at 43 — something has changed.  I started realizing that this life I am living, my “plan B” was really God’s plan “A” all along.

I think I felt it coming for awhile – but it took holding a new born baby a couple months ago for me to finally let the Lord open my heart – and allow it to break into a million pieces.  That baby was perfect in every way and as I came home that night after looking into her pure eyes I couldn’t stop the sobs from coming and wracking my entire body.  I knelt down by the side of my bed and wept and prayed for my broken heart and empty womb.  I got up from my knees and found my mother getting ready for bed and said the words out loud “mom – I will never have babies in this life”.  I knew it was true and she did too and I cried into her shoulder as she wept too.

Just like other living things, sometimes dreams have to die.  And I discovered that it’s okay to mourn the passing.

I’m grateful for new mothers who are living my dream and mothers with 6 children who share their baby with me while they go to Sunday School with their husband, and nieces and nephews that always think I’m amazing (I totally have them snowed – don’t tell them.)  All these things are balm to my heart.

I admit that as I got in my car after work and watched my co-worker leave work for the last time I cried just a little and I smiled to myself too.  I found myself wondering where dreams go when they die.  Is there a little dream cemetery?  I like to think so – because every so often I’ll visit and leave flowers.

“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”

– E.M. Forster

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7 responses to “Letting Go

  1. Erin says:

    Thanks for making me cry on a Saturday afternoon. I don’t know what to say beyond I love you. And for the record, I’ll go visit the dream cemetery with you any time you need to.

  2. Tasha says:

    DeAnn, first let me remind you just how very much I love you!
    Now for the part that will make ya smile….
    in the next life I hear there are no labor pains :o)

  3. Laurel says:

    dream cemetary.
    SUPER interesting concept to me.

    i love you.
    i know you know that.
    but i needed to say it again.

  4. Becky says:

    you are my favorite person to share my babies with! Thank you for loving them!

  5. Tiffany says:

    Oh goodness, this was heart-wrenching and beautiful. I love the idea of a dream cemetery, and I love you, too.

    You should send this somewhere. For serious. It’s just perfect.

  6. Red says:

    I remember crying with you over this dream.

    I think our tears water the flowers left in the dream cemetery.
    Love you.

  7. Heather says:

    I love you Aunt DeAnn! ((hugs))

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