Cheap Therapy Part 1

on August 6, 2010

I’ve had on my mind lately my eating and body issues and why I have have felt this huge blockade in my way to getting to a healthy weight.  It seems like I make some progress in overcoming my emotional eating – only to fall flat on my face days later.  I know I’ve even avoided looking seriously at this blockage in my road to see what it’s even made up of.   I just see the blockade with no “detour” or “under construction” signs to be found.   So I’ve stayed stalled there – not really moving.   I have been feeling the past few weeks that it’s time to drive right up to it and see what it’s made of.    Yesterday in some down time at the temple I prayed for help and courage in looking at what is blocking my progress and how to make time to even do that.

Today I had a chance to leave work a little early and take my niece up on her invitation to come visit her for an afternoon in Logan.  I knew that this hour and half drive was a perfect time to face the things I’ve been avoiding.  So I turned off the radio and tried to tune in to myself and to God and I feel like I discovered something new (or at least consciously am admitting it.)
I have been sabotaging myself with emotional eating because my weight protects me (or subconsciously I think it does) from several different things.  One thing I haven’t wanted to admit is that I think when I get to a normal weight more will be expected of me.  For instance that I should write a book or speak and inspire others who are struggling.  That I am only worth this miraculous change IF I do it to help someone else and not just my selfish self.  I also think that I fear that others may look at me and wonder why I’m not married.  While I’m overweight – it’s so obvious why I’m not married (who could love this disgusting body?)  If I were at a normal weight and not married there must be something REALLY wrong with me (side note:  I know this isn’t normal thinking because I have single thin friends who are perfectly normal — in their case I know it’s just that the guys are dumb.)    When I envision the “thinner me” I see myself  doing “great things” like climbing mountains (instead of just hiking) and being so much more “put together”.   What if more would be demanded of me professionally or in the church?  What if all these expectations are more than I am capable of doing? So to prevent me from future failure – I keep myself stuck in my little cocoon of flesh.  I don’t want to say this “failure” is comfortable – it’s not —  it’s very UNCOMFORTABLE in so many ways.  But it’s familiar.  I know this pain.  I know this challenge and in fact my food and body image issues take up a lot of my thinking.   But if I let that go – what will fill my mind?  I know what should fill my mind (positive, spiritual, uplifting, motivating thoughts) but what if those things don’t fill in the spaces in my head and the OCD-Hell of the past moves back in?

So here is part of what is blocking my road to moving forward — My present failures are subconsciously trying to help me by preventing any possible-really-scary-exhausting-maybe I’m just not good enough-future failures.

I think I’ll let this settle in at the front of my brain for awhile – instead of hiding in the back before I decide what to do with what I learned — in my quite drive with me and the Lord.


4 responses to “Cheap Therapy Part 1

  1. girlwhoknits says:

    You are so right. What is familiar is way more powerful than what is easy sometimes. Sounds like it was a great drive. I think I need to turn off the radio and think a little more often.

  2. Laurel says:

    sometimes you’re inside my head.
    if sometimes means “a lot of the time”.

    Reminds me of that quote that is always mistakenly attributed to Nelson Mandela. Your biggest fear isn’t that your nothing…it’s that you’re an extraordinary something. And that would require more.

    But, you know what?
    You have more to give and more to see and more to experience.

    So, yes, just let it perculate (sp?)
    I will too.


  3. DeeAnn says:

    Could you get in my head and tell me about my blockage too? I love you! You are so inspiring to me and your posts always come at just the right time. How do you do that? I think you are one of the most terrific, wonderful, inspired, creative, funny, fun woman I know!

  4. Kari says:

    DeAnn, you never cease to amaze me! I am so grateful to have you as my friend! Thank you for the inspiration!

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