How to Have a Perfect Afternoon

on February 9, 2011

There is more than one way to have a perfect afternoon depending on the day.  I will provide for you two options of which you may choose depending on the day of the week and your own particular needs.

How to Have a Perfect Sunday Afternoon

  1. Come home from church
  2. Go straight to the bathroom to pee
  3. Remove dress and/or skirt and blouse
  4. Peel off pantyhose and/or support undergarments
  5. Put on soft sweatpants and baggy t-shirt.  If you do not have a baggy t-shirt and sweat pants, scrubs will do.
  6. Go to kitchen and make the official post-church snack.
  7. After post church snack curl up on cushy couch or bed.
  8. Sleep
  9. Wake up by 5:00.  The afternoon is now over.

*Note:  if you have a husband and/or children read 1-9 one more time, sigh and realize that I will be doing these things on Sunday and not you.

How to Have a Perfect Mid-Week Afternoon

Wednesday is in the middle of the week so it is a great day to have your perfect afternoon.  If Wednesday is not available, another weekday will suffice.

  1. Do not go to work.
  2. Do not tell anyone in your family that you are not going to work or they may want you to do something for them.
  3. Spend the morning preparing for your perfect afternoon by having a long bath or shower, slowly getting dressed and putting on your make up (make-up is optional but deodorant is not.)  it is also permissible to watch an episode of The Nanny on Lifetime TV even though you never watched it when it was on the first time.
  4. By noon you should be out the door.
  5. Take yourself to lunch at a restaurant – a sit down place where someone will have to wait on you.  Take a magazine or something to read so that you can have a leisurely quiet lunch.
  6. Take yourself to a movie.   Yes – all by yourself.  Pick whatever movie YOU want to see.  Buy a big Diet Coke and popcorn if you decide you have the patience to pick the kernels out of your teeth later on.
  7. Once movie is over – head to bathroom – afterall you drank 44 oz of Diet coke during the movie
  8. Take yourself shopping.  Spend lots of time looking at things.  Buy something for yourself that is totally useless like one of those tangle toys at the checkout stand at the Target.  Also buy yourself a piece of really good chocolate at a for-real chocolate store and not at the grocery store.  If you prefer you can also buy some delicious frozen yogurt from the Red Mango and hope that they have the Dark Chocolate but will settle for the Vanilla or Lime
  9. If you prefer to skip the movie or shopping you can also get a pedicure and/or massage.
  10. Do not return home until your usual time to come home from work so no one knows how you really spent your day.

Tell no one in particular that you are exhausted from your looooong  day and smile to yourself.

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