The Year is Dying in the Night . . . And Other Thoughts.

on December 31, 2012

I attended a funeral today.  It was a rather simple affair.  There were sweet words said and a couple of organ solo’s.  Then a simple little luncheon afterwards that consisted of “Funeral Potatoes”, ham, and Jello  — pretty standard Mormon-Funeral-Luncheon-Cuisine.

I pondered on my own funeral and felt kinda sad that I would miss it.  What a bummer . . . people finally come and say all this awesome stuff about you and you aren’t even there to hear it.  Worse yet, what if someone plans my funeral and it’s boring?  I think that would be more tragic than my actual death!  At this point my life it’s pretty apparent that I will not have children to plan a funeral for me when “my time comes” and my “non-existent family” definitely can’t be counted on for this event. With this in mind I decided I needed to plan my funeral myself – at least give some guidelines —  and then my nieces and nephews (that really do exist) can carry out my wishes. 

Songs that Shall NOT be Sung at my Funeral:

  • God Be With You ‘Till we Meet Again
  • O My Father
  • I’ll Go Where You Want me to Go
  • Any “Sunshine Song” in the hymn book.

Songs from the Hymn Book that would be okay to be sung by the congregation:

  • In Our Lovely Deseret (all verses sung loudly with energy)
  • God Save the King (just for fun – to throw everyone off)

Musical Numbers That Could be Performed

  • Aye Yuck Yuck – By My Nephew Matt
  • Hey It’s Good to Be Back Home Again (John Denver)
  • Special dramatic reading of the first verse of Ring Out Wild Bells with organ music playing in the background.

Other Specifications

As people enter the chapel they will receive a small bag of M&M’s and Small package of tissues (because of course they are gonna be crying.)

Talks should be tender and heartfelt and cause a tear to roll gently down your cheek that you will brush away with aforementioned tissue.

Talks should also be HILARIOUS and make everyone laugh.  Make funny stuff up about me if needed. 

Funeral should be no more than an hour unless there is too much heart-felt-tear-dropping-hilarious stuff to be said — then go ahead and make it a little longer.

Have a luncheon afterward, but only serve Candy Casserole. Then all my nieces and nephews should have a mixture of Root beer, Diet Coke, and Cherry 7-Up in teeny tiny cups and toast to my memory.  They should make very loud toasts using accents that are indiscernible and shout “To DeAnn  – L’Chaim”.

Afterward everyone should then just meet at Chili’s for a real lunch.




4 responses to “The Year is Dying in the Night . . . And Other Thoughts.

  1. tikenmoose says:

    BEST FUNERAL EVER! And I’ll start practicing John Denver on the guitar, just in case, though Jay is probably better than me, and I might be good enough in sixty years to play it.

  2. Clarissa says:

    So glad you mentioned the Chili’s…. I was getting nervous this wasn’t going to be a true Hansen funeral. 😉

  3. laurel says:

    i adore this.
    i adore you.
    the end.

  4. Cassidi says:

    I love this!!! I can’t wait till you die! Can I bring my tambourine to accompany the congregational hymn of “In Our Lovely Deseret”? Would Kum-by-yah with lots of swaying be acceptable? Love you and I don’t really want you to die.

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